Sunday, May 13, 2007

who defines who you are?

yup, I'm waxing philosophical again. You can just skip this if thinking makes your head hurt. It's okay, I'll never know who reads this (or not) anyway. Now then, those of you who aren't scared off, who defines who you are? Are you one of the lucky few who follow their own hearts, or are you one of the herd, obediently doing what everyone else tells you to do, how to act, what to think? Have you never thought about it before? It is a scary thought. Those who listen to their instincts are a threat, and are ridiculed by the others. It starts real early, that training does, making us lose contact with who we really are. Way back in Kindergarten, when I wore my beautiful shiny red raincoat because I loved it so, and all the other kids laughed and made fun of me for it. I never wore it again. Such a shame. It was so cool, and I did really love that coat. What if I had been stronger? What if I had laughed back at them for not realizing how cool I was for wearing that shiny red raincoat? Would things be any different now, 30-some years later? Would it have taken becoming a mother for me to find myself, inside myself, rather than that constant seeking of external validation? Because that is what finally pushed me too far, when my first child was born, and both of us were incurably traumatized by the experience. I suddenly learned how to open my eyes and that I should always listen to my heart. It took a few more abusive authority figures before I was able to do so, but that's when I learned I should do it. I've always had issues with those who wish to have power over me, and perhaps it's because, lying dormant inside me was a guiding voice, and sometimes I did listen, but usually not when other voices disagreed with what it was telling me. And that's how I learned to listen, the hard way. It has never let me down, that inner guide, not when I trusted it, trusted myself, and followed my heart. Bad things happen to me when I ignore it's counsel, when I seek answers externally rather than finding them inside myself. So I ask you again, who defines who you are? Do you? Or do you seek the unsatisfying external validation of other people, the mindless, brainwashed hordes of other non-selves? Those people who are too afraid to trust themselves, to believe in the truths that are to be found only through introspection? Do you allow yourself to be told what to do, how to act, and what to believe? Or do you follow your instincts, your heart, your inner guide (or whatever else you wanna call it)? Do you trust in you?

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